The Adventures of Katfight
by Elodie the Scribe
Summary: Warning: very AU and weird. Diane Kyle, Catwoman's daughter, doesn't want anything to do with anything femme fatale. But when the Joker threatens her community, she becomes...Katfight! Very campy and strange . MIGHT continue it...


_Hiya, peoples! Sorry I haven't been able to update in a while, with all this hurricane stuff going on. _

_Quick note: now, have ANY of you seen the video "Charlie the Unicorn" on YouTube? It's frigging hilarious! From now own, I'm goanna hear high-pitched, breathy voices saying, "Charlieeee! We're going on an adventuuuure! An adventuuuure!" and "Shun the non-believers. Shun! Shuuuun!" (you have to see the video to get the joke, admittedly). Check it out!_

_Anywho, I'm sort've in a rut with "Origins", so I thought I'd write this little ditty based off a really weird dream I had just last night. Basically, it's about an alternate version of me who becomes Katfight when the Joker attacks her community place, following in her mother's footsteps (Selina Kyle). And no, I ain't kidding._

_One: this Katfight's real name will be Diane Kyle. Please note that Diane is not MY real name; I'm giving Katfight a "fake" name here because I don't want to give away my own._

_Two: this story is meant to be serious, and yet not. Imagine it's like the old Batman show form the 60's--it was MEANT to be kinda stupid. I mean, the image of me dressed in a sexy leather catsuit beating the crap out of the Joker's minions and jumping from rooftop to rooftop like Lucy Liu makes me laugh and wince at the same time._

_Three: Diane Kyle is, er, 'sexy'. **I **am not sexy, or at least, not as sexy as Diane. (I'm one of those girls that's not skinny, but I'm not fat either. Chances are if I put on the leather outfit in this story and ran around like Diane does, I would die trying to catch my breath.) So if you think about it, this is me kinda writing out a little fantasy of mine... :)_

_Catwoman ROCKS!_

* * *

Catwoman.

Dang. How many people know her?

I mean, she's an old bad guy. And all she ever did was steal jewels. Oh, sure, Batman knew her, but that was because she practically led him on. And I most definitely know her--I'm her daughter.

No, Batman is not my father.

But one of Catwoman's minions is. He's dead now, killed when her lair exploded. But I never knew him. I was born after his death.

Of course, people couldn't know I was the kid of a major villain, so Mom arranged for me to live all on my own in a community called 'White Rose Valley' when I was thirteen. It's a place that takes in homeless people and stuff, gives them a chance at life, so it was easy for me to get in. I have friends here, and the food's okay, so...I'm happy.

And yet not.

Because I can't help but be ashamed of my mom.

She was a _thief_, for crying out loud. She was a bad guy. She caused all sorts of damage to Gotham.

She calls me, every week or so. Our conversations are usually really strained. She tries to convince me to become like her and run around rooftops like a hyperactive monkey, or we hardly talk at all.

But I reached the breaking point just last week when she sent me...IT.

It was leather pants, slender black boots, and a tight tube top, all in black. I was confused at first...until I saw the black cat mask and the black, elbow-length gloves with diamond claws. Oh, and she even bought me a whip. How charming.

I called her immediately. "Mom, what the frick IS this?"

She knew instantly what I was talking about. "Oh, the suit? Just an early birthday present. I thought you'd like it."

"Mom--two things, okay? Number one: I celebrated my birthday last month."

"...then it's a really, really, _really_ early birthday present."

I ground my teeth. "Two: I will never, ever, under any circumstances, be a villain like _you_."

She sucked in her teeth, but she did it out of pain, not anger. "Oh. I understand, then, Diane. I love you, honey."

She hung up.

I shoved the suit back into its brown paper package and stuffed in into the bottom of my closet, never to be seen again.

Or so I thought.

Which pretty much brings us to...now.

It all begins as I'm eating lunch with two buds of mine, Todd and Myrna, a goth couple. I'm currently playing a very fun game with Myrna I like to call the Fantasy Game.

"Hmmm...how about...Johnny Depp as a rock star, and I get a backstage pass to one of his concerts, and he comes back to talk with me--all sweaty and shirtless from the show?"

"Meh, boring," I reply, poking my salad around. "How about...me as Santa Clause, and Johnny Depp as a naughty reindeer?"

Todd chokes on his soda as both he and Myrna bust out in laughter. "WHAT?!"

"Dang, girl, you are _weird_," Myrna cackles.

I grin back. "That means I win."

It's strange. One minute we're all laughing and having a good time and having strange images in our heads of Johnny Depp dressed in a tight reindeer costume--until the wall of the cafeteria blows up, and everyone starts screaming.

And guess what appears through the smoke, come to terrorize us all?

Clowns.

No, really, I'm serious.

They run around, aiming guns at everyone but never firing, generally causing havoc. Todd, Myrna, and I are underneath the table by now, watching with wide eyes as one clown comes extra close to us. But he never bothers us. Maybe he doesn't see us. Whatever the case, he takes out a walkie-talkie and communicates with who ever's on the end of the line.

"Okay, boss. We're all set up here. Come on down."

A cold, hard voice replies, "I'll be there in a minute or so."

I freeze. Something about the voice makes my teeth clench.

"All right!" the clown yells to others. "The Joker's coming, so let's get this place set up."

Todd, Myrna, and I exchange horrified looks. I mean, the Joker? The terrorist that killed six people and almost killed the mayor and Batman?

He was coming HERE?

But then the table above us disappears, and we have no time to think as a clown aims his rifle right at us. "Up! Now!"

The clowns arrange everyone into a long line, clearing away tables and chairs as well. Just as the clown with the walkie-talkie puts away that last table, _he _comes in.

He's like...he's like a wolf, the way he moves; head lowered and cocked to the side, as if sniffing out prey, shoulders hunched like raised hackles, the predatory glint in his eyes as he eyes us all. He's just like what I've seen on TV, and not. Still dirty purple suit, green hair, white, black and red greasepaint, but at least the one on the TV didn't have the ability to kill me, like now.

But at his side, with her arm looped through his, is an odd looking girl. She has long red hair with blonde streaks and is very pale, with enormous grey eyes and an impossibly skinny body. The Joker leads her to the start of the line, playing with her hair. "Well, Sandra?"

She stares, unblinkingly, down the line. "I've already told you--it's a girl."

"Ooh, good. I'd like a girl," the Joker coos before growling, "Take the men away."

Panic flares in Todd's eyes as he's seperated from Myrna, and I see her jaw clench as a clown shoves him against the wall. "Okay!" the Joker chirps. "Now?"

Sandra stares, still unblinking. "...take me down the line."

Ever so slowly, the Joker gently walks her down the line. Every woman she passes, she says, "No"...until she reaches me.

She goes rigid when she comes to me, hesitates. When she says "No", it sounds forced, shaky.

The Joker stares me dead in the eye, and my tummy flutters at the utter ferocity in those black, black eyes. But I don't back down. I don't blink. Mom taught me early on it's extremely hard to win a staring contest with a cat.

Wait. Why did I just refer to myself as a cat? Dang. Maybe my Mom's insanity is rubbing off on me or something...

Oh. Right. Life-threatening situation here.

"Are you surrre?" the Joker murmurs, exaggerating the 'r'.

"Yes."

His tone darkens, just slightly. "If I get to the end of the line, and you haven't pointed _her _out yet...well, I think you already know what'll happen to Graydon."

Sandra's thin lips tighten.

"It isn't her."

"Well, okay! No need to get an attitude about it."

But his touch is careful as he leads her to Myrna. And Sandra blurts out, "Her!"

Myrna becomes fairly alarmed as the Joker lurches forward and grabs her chin, studying her face intently. But then he scowls, throws her away, and turns back to Sandra, teeth bared--yet again reminding me of a stalking wolf. "This can't be her. Her eyes, her hair, her build--all wrong."

Who the _heck_ was he looking for?!

"It _is_ her," Sandra jabs a finger in Myrna's direction. "I'm sure of it. Now will you let my brother go?"

The Joker's eyes narrow at her last sentence. Then, to everyone's horror, he takes out a gun and aims at Myrna's head. "Is. This. Her?"

"YES! Now let Graydon go." Sandra snarls, unblinking at the tears now streaming down Myrna's cheeks.

"I'm not so surrrre," the Joker smirks, and he cocks the gun--

--and I'm moving before I have time to think: fingers wrapping around the wrist connected to he hand holding the gun and jerking it up while aiming my knee into his stomach.

He groans and doubles over, but doesn't let go of the gun. Instead, he lunges sideways, bringing me crashing to the ground since I'm still clinging to him. But I don't stop, either. I strike him in the stomach again, this time with my foot, and use his moment of pain to try and rip the gun out of his hand. It works, thank God, and I throw the gun far away--

Then the Joker's leaning over me, squeezing my wrists tight, and smiling wildly. "You. You, you, you. I knew it had to be you," he sings, laughing. "You have the exact right eyes!"

I responded by doing shoulder stand, slamming my feet into his chest by doing so. He jerks back, releasing me, and I roll back on my feet. I drop in a fighting crouch, but he's still cackling. "You have the right moves, too."

"What do you want?" I demand.

"What do I _want_? I travel across the country to get to you, and you ask me _what I want_! Ha! It's appears you have my sense of humor."

I blink. "Uh, what?"

"I'll tell you what I want. I want you DEAD!" a voice behind me hisses suddenly.

The next thing I know, there's a loud bang right beside my ear and something whizzes by my shoulder. I drop and kick out at who ever shot at me, and I end up sending Sandra of all people to the floor.

"You WRETCH!" the Joker's screaming now, enraged. "Killing her is NOT part of the plan!"

"She deserves it," Sandra mutters.

All the while, I'm backing up to check on Myrna. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. How did you do that?"

"No time," I reply as the clowns close in. Great, just great...

"I won't let you win!" Sandra interrupts, yet again, and she fires at me.

Except this time, I happen to be in front of the window.

Did I mention the cafeteria's on the third story?

The sound of the shot startles me so I jerk back, just as the bullet shatters the window behind me. I scream as I fall...

...and fall...

...and fall...

...until, well, you know...

SPLAT.

Everything goes black.

Then...

Blue-gray, all around, then hints of silver. Groggily lifting my head, I realize where I am, but with confusion. How did I fall?

I stand up shakily, and walk back into the building. By the time I'm in the hallway, I'm feeling better. I become aware of the dim sounds of yelling and screams, but I ignore it. Soon enough, I'm back at my own room.

Then, for reasons unknown to me, I limp to the closet, and take out the catsuit Mom sent me. For some odd reason, it's when I stroke the whip that the memories all come back--and I clearly remember the face of the redheaded wretch who killed me.

Or so she thinks.

My mind was fuzzy up to that point. But when I see her face in my mind, anger shoots through me. She had the audacity to shoot at me and say I didn't deserve to live. And she would've put Myrna, an innocent kid, in danger to save her brother!

I laugh suddenly as an idea hits me, and put on the suit. It fits me just fine, and I love it. I feel like Mom, about to kick some butt. I still remembered all the martial arts and whip handling she'd taught me before I had left her, and I had still learned more here with karate classes. I just know this should be great.

Like mother, like daughter, I guess...

I also realize the Joker is a pressing issue, too. He's probably about to do something very destructive out of rage at my "death".

But...meh, revenge first.

I flex my brand new claws at the thought.

Of course, I must find her first.

I creep into the hallway, using the shadows as my cover. As I'd guessed, about three clowns stand down at the end, looking around warily with their guns aiming everywhere. It is actually very exhilerating when I realize they can't see me, and they won't until I attack. It gives me a feeling of..._power_.

"C'mon, you guys. A bit o' darkness never hurt no one. 'Sides, orders are to round up all the people here so the Joker can does what he gotta does," said the largest one.

The other two moved forward meekly. About halfway down the hall, they begin to calm down--they think maybe, there's no danger here at all.

That's when I pounce.

I go after the large guy first, because he's in the back. I high-kick the gun out of hands before delivering an uppercut with my claws, slashing up the guy's chin. As he falls, I twirl around and attack one of the other two, grabbing his wrists so he can't raise his gun and slamming my knee into his groin. The blow his hard enough to make him fall, too. But instead of giving the third one a lashing as well, I rip the gun from his hands, grab him by the coat, and slam him into the wall.

I grin into his face. "Well, isn't this nice, just the two of us together--you, me...your unconcious friends. You wanna be out like them, too?"

He quickly shakes his head no.

"_Good_ puppy! Very good. All you have to do is answer my questions, and you're free. Now..."

My smile changes to a glare. "What's the Joker planning?"

"H-he's goanna blow up the place, with everyone inside, from the com-community pool. He wanted that--that girl really bad," the minion stutters.

"The girl," I murmur. "What's so special about her?"

"I don't kn-know," the guy replies. "All I knows is, the Joker planned for weeks to get her."

"Hmm. Charming," I growl. "And what's the deal with this Sandra girl?"

"Her name's Cassandra Derrick," the guy tells me. "The J-Joker captured her brother because she--she can read people's pasts."

I blink. Rapidly. "Huh?"

"If she gets near a person, she sees in her mind their past. That's why the Joker needed her. She was the only one who could find that girl."

"Interesting," I nod, releasing him. "You can go now."

He runs down the hallway like his pants are on fire.

So...the Joker was looking for me because of my past. Maybe because I was Catwoman's daughter?

Catwoman.

Wow.

It was amazing how I had become so much like her in thirty minutes or so...

But I wasn't Catwoman. I was someone else, different.

I was...um, uuuuum...Cat..no, Kat...fight! Ha, ha! Katfight, Katfight with a 'K'!

Coolness!

Oh, right. Need to whallop the seal out of Sanrda. (If you look up the French translation of "seal" and pronounce it right, you'll get the joke).

Anyway.

So! I head for the pool, using the acrobatic stuff my Mom taught me. Yeah, we definitely had some girly bonding time when I was growing up...

The pool is a good mile or so away from the building, so I'm guessing it's gonna be a small explosion. I see the Joker and the clowns in the pool water, apparently waiting to duck underwater for protection or something.

I thought that was for nuclear weapons, or something? Huh.

And there. She. Is.

Sandra. She's bound to a chair at a cute little table that has a bottle of champagne and a glass on it. The way the Joker says goodbye to someone he dislikes, probably--loads and loads of sarcasm. "Oh, I love ya so much. Here. Have champagne and ENJOY yourself!" Yeah. And I thought only girls knew how to use sarcasm correctly (with bite).

The Joker's holding the detonator.

I ignore that and head for the redhead, deciding to save the detonator for later. What? If the Joker looked all over for me, he ain't gonna kill me so fast...

"Oh, Saaandrrra..."

She turns, looks at me, and her eyes widen. "No. You're supposed to be dead..."

"I'm a _cat_," I tell her, sitting across from her and smirking. "I have eight lives left, babe. It'll take a lot more effort to kill lil' ol me."

I grab the champagne and pour some in the glass. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm underage and all; I don't bloody care, although I sip delicately.

"Mmm! Wow. This is _good_. I mean, it's like, 'Aah!'." I cough slightly, shooting her a mad grin. "Oh, but it won't be as good as clawing...up...your...face."

I slam the glass down and grab her by the throat. "Tell me, my pretty. Why did you kill me?!"

"Bec-because you're just like him," Sandra glares. "L-like the Joker."

I don't like that one little bit--but I let her go. No need to be hypocritical. "And how am I like him, darling?"

She snorts. "You're his _daughter_, for crying out loud!"

Oh. Ooh. Um...wowzers. Uh, okay. Eeer...

Yeah. That's all that going through my head right now as I'm now giving Sandra my best impression of a startled dear.

"I'm--I'm...he what?" I manage.

She, too, blinks at me. "You didn't know?"

"'Course not," a familiar voice says, and we both turn to see the Joker pulling out the pool, dripping wet and looking more or less like a sewer rat.

He stares at me, hard. "Hmm. I wanted a purple suit, or mabye a dress, and a dye job and some facepaint would have been nice...but oh, well. You wanna take after Mom, be my guest."

"But--but no! You can't be my dad. Mom said one of her henchmen was."

The Joker rolls his eyes. "You seriously believe that she would give _any_ of those tacky morons the time of day? No. We came upon each other while walking around the city one day, and, weell, we just couldn't resist each other."

He grins at this point in the story. "So, you know, we did it. We played Bump Bump. And voila! One lovely little girl. But do I have anything to do with her? Nooo! Selina doesn't even tell me about you until _after_ you're a born. And--and then she doesn't even let me help name you. Oh, sure Diane's pretty, but I...I would have preferred Melody."

For a split second--a _split_ second--as he says the name, I see a small glimmer of actual affection in his eyes before they're dark and bright again. "And of course, she shut me out of your life. Never let me see you. Heck, she actually HID you once when I visted, just shoved you into a crawlspace in her closet!"

I gasp, because I remember that day. Mom told me a bad man had come to the house, and I needed to be away so he couldn't hurt me...

"T-then," he goes on, "when I finally gets the guts to say, 'Listen, babe, I love ya and all, but I wanna see my kid and I'm not leaving until afterwards', she _sends you away_ to this wretched place. Oooh, ya gotta love stubborn women!"

He's laughing so hard now, he's crying, making his make up run, forming pale clumps on his suit. "S-so I looked for you, and I looked--looked for any place that--that took in little girls. Little girls with their mother's green, green, green eyes. I, I almost thought I'd never, ever see my daughter's face...until I met Sandra, and found out about her...gift."

His eyes glare, and yet tease, right at Sandra. "I asked her to help me find you. Offered her money. All sorts of stuff. But she said no, told me--told me she'd never help a freak like me. So! I discovered her beloved baby brother, Graydon. All I had to do was trap him in a cell back in Gotham, and this doll, she PANICS. Practically BEGS me to let him go! And ya wanna know what's funny? _I asked again for her help, and still she refused_! GOD! Looove stubborn women--willing to sacrifice anyone to keep their promises."

"But you wanna know what finally made her work for me? Wh-when I told her I'd blow Graydon _and her_ up. When _she_ was threatened. I mean, wow! Talk about admirable and brave and...stuff!"

"Graydon's strong. He could have handled it!" Sandra protests.

"Using her...I finally, _finally_, found you. All she had to do was read Selina's past, and BOOM! White Rose Valley, here we a-come. Gotta see my baby girl. But you aren't a baby anymore, huh, sweetheart? You've grown up nicely...I see you have my nose...and my chin."

Dead. Silence.

My mind is reeling. The Joker is my dad, and for some reason, Mom never told me. And Sandra's more of an itch then I thought.

My gaze snaps to her. "So...you're telling me, my pretty...that you think I'm like the Joker just 'cause I'm his kid?"

"Obviously," she huffs.

That's when I rake my claws across her face.

She screams, squirming in her bonds, and I can only laugh bitterly. "Although you're kinda right--I do have his mood swings, and his sense of humor..."

I raise my claws to strike again, only for another hand to stop me. "Diane, no."

"Mom?!"

There she is, dressed in her old black spandex and goggles. Dang, but she's gotten way too old for that outfit. "I heard on the news about this, and I instantly knew the problem," she said, glaring at the Joker. "Don't worry, darling; he'll never bother you again."

"Mom," I reply, biting out the word. "My father was alive. And you never told me."

"Diane--"

"Do you know how many times I wished I had a daddy when I was little?" I demand. "Do you realize how lonely it got when you weren't around, and I had nothing but sleazy henchmen to keep me company?"

"Oh, baby..."

"DON'T 'baby' me!"

Quite obediently, Mom whirls around to yell at the Joker. "This is YOUR fault!"

And thus begins the ultimate argument; I can't even tell what the two are saying, but they are near throttling each other. Their loud voices make my head clench in pain, and it's then I realize I haven't used my whip yet.

SNAP! The Joker and Mom jerk back from the space between them where I struck, then look over at me. "Shut up!" I shout. "You're SO annoying."

"Diane, I only ever did what was best--"

"I only wanted to see you--"

"Catgirl--"

"Catgirl?!" I exclaim at the name they both use at the same time. "I'm not Catgirl. I'm not Mom!"

"Then who are you?" Mom asks.

I raise my claws, bloodied from my attack on Sandra.

"I'm Katfight."

That was the moment Sandra reveals she's free by hitting me over the head with a chair.

* * *

When I wake up, I'm at Mom's. The Joker's there, too, agitated and impatient, but he does seem to brighten a little when I wake. Turns out, the police came along and "ruined everything", according to Dad; the hostages, as well as Sandra and Graydon, were released. We're in hiding.

For now.

So. Maybe I'll use this time to get to know my dad...

"JOKER! _What _is this dynamite doing in the toilet?"

...or, y'know, not.

But...oh, but the next night...I explore. I wander about the city's rooftops.

And although my life has changed, forever...

I feel free.


End file.
